Moving Forward

It wasn’t until I decided to forgive all who harmed me as a child that I was able to move forward. To be honest it’s much easier to avoid those tough situations rather than deal with the problems at hand. I guess that’s why I lived in silence for so long, three decades to be exact. Three decades of unresolved pain drove me down a path of destruction. From the outside everyone thought I was doing well and that I had it all together. When I began this journey, I wanted everyone to understand my pain but I’ve come to the realization that unless you’ve gone through sexual trauma, it is impossible for you to relate to me or any other victim of sexual abuse.

Having your innocence stolen from you and being taken advantage of is heart breaking and there aren’t any words to
describe those feelings. I thank God for giving me the strength to go back to that hurtful place and for giving me the strength to face my past hurts.

Since I was sexually abused by three individuals (two who were already deceased) I didn’t know where to begin, so I decided to reach out to the mother of one of my abusers. Social media is an awesome tool, I found her on Facebook, and I finally mustered up enough courage and sent her a message. I explained to her what her son had done to me many years ago, I was in no way trying to be insensitive or trying to cause her any pain, her son was dead and had been for about fifteen years or so. I let her know that I was finally able to forgive him and that I was ready to move forward to become all that God had created me to be. She was very angry in her response but that didn’t matter to me, not to sound harsh but it wasn’t about her at that moment. This was the first time that I had to put myself first, I had to be selfish. I’m the type of person that places the needs of others above my own and even at that moment, I wanted to hug her and to make sure she was alright. I felt her pain but at the same time I was freeing myself. The Lord was giving me strength and a weight had been lifted, everything that had me bound for over three decades had finally been broken!

The next step was to forgive my Foster sister for molesting me and for exposing me to so much at such an early age. There is a misconception amongst many men as it relates to females sexually abusing little boys. Many boys have been molested by older girls but it seems to be a “rite of passage” to many. Any form of childhood abuse is wrong and needs to be reported to authorities as soon as possible! I finally reached out to her on Facebook as well, I let her know that I had forgiven her, her response was “ok” and that was enough for me. I finally addressed my issues and I was ready to move forward, I was ready to live and that little boy inside of me would finally be able to move forward and begin to heal.

I share pieces of my life only to encourage others and to give people hope. My story is one that needs to be heard, there are many stories that have been buried and many victims are living in shame. So many people have similar stories but are suffering in silence. I speak for those who are silenced by childhood trauma, for those who have lost their voices and are screaming but no one seems to be listening.

In closing, I can’t take any credit at all, the credit belongs to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I’m just a small piece of a bigger puzzle, a willing vessel! This is my testimony of how I was able to start my healing journey, I pray that this not only encourages someone but people will begin to talk about these issues. I hope people will begin to heal and are able to move forward!

Don’t Judge me without knowing the details!

I’m very careful while passing judgment towards others only because I never know what a person has gone or is currently going through. For many years I was able to put up a front and to everyone else, I looked as if I had it all together, but deep down inside I was broken. As I exited the Army in 2003, I was lost and trying to find my way. Not only was I battling depression, I was battling Post Traumatic Stress Disorder also. I battled mental illness silently, stemming from Childhood sexual trauma and a fatal car crash while I was in the military. I had been hit by a drunk driver and I witnessed the horrific death of two females who had been drinking while enjoying themselves on Thanksgiving night. As I write this blog, I can vividly see two lifeless bodies stretched out across a four lane highway and brains splattered on the concrete while I stood in silence and in shock because it could’ve been me! During this time, I lost the desire to live and I would self medicate by either becoming sexually involved with different women or turning to alcohol to mask my pain. Those were just temporary fixes, I still was empty trying to fill a void that couldn’t be filled by alcohol or lustful desires.

Over the next few years or so, my life was on a downward spiral and I would bounce from home to home, I even had to sleep on a friend’s couch for some time because I fell into a deep depression. I ended up moving in with two of my best friends and I was basically living for free, until I found two minimum wage jobs where I only made enough money to get me to and from work. I was giving my roommates around two hundred dollars a month and I felt horrible because here I was a military Veteran that had to depend on others for support! It really bothered me to have to depend on others and to feel as if I was a burden to them. There were many nights where I didn’t have enough courage to even come out of my room. My boys would go out to the clubs but I rather sit in the dark room and cry myself to sleep! The very few times I did go with them I would drink uncontrollably and they would end up babysitting me the whole night. One night while at a club in D. C. I got so drunk, I spit on a bouncer and dared him to say something to me afterwards. My wreckless behavior embarrassed my friends and they didn’t want to be bothered with me. Little did they know I was hurting and just didn’t know how to move forward from my past hurts.

Depression is real and as I continue to bring awareness to the seriousness of mental illness and childhood sexual abuse, I want you all to be mindful of how you treat other individuals. You never know what a person is dealing with. A simple smile or even a kind word can be the difference of life and death to someone who may be struggling. Please feel free to share this blog with someone, we never know who it may encourage. Until next time be forever encouraged and if you are battling, please know that you are not alone!

Brother Marko

(Marko Hamlin Fort Bragg 2003)

I’m not a victim but you can call me an overcomer!

I’ve overcome many obstacles throughout my thirty-three years on this earth! My first challenge began while I was in my mother’s womb. My father wanted my mom to have an abortion but she chose to keep me and here I am! I wish I had a fairy tale story to share with you all but to be completely honest, I am a living testimony. My mother struggled with alcoholism and as a result, I was molested by a close friend of the family at the age of four. I was taken advantage of by a teenage boy, who was later found guilty but received a slap on his wrist and let go. He got off, while I would end up suffering for many years because of the trauma.

Many victims of childhood sexual trauma are victimized at an early age, my abuse would continue for a period of four years or so and I was victimized by two other individuals as well while in the Foster Care system.

Many people today are suffering in silence and don’t know how to move forward. I only speak from personal experience because I know first hand what it is to live a defeated lifestyle and to be bound by depression and anxiety. I lived in silence for almost three decades but by the grace of God, I finally found my voice!

This is the first blog of many and I only write to give others hope and to show them the power of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I’m on a mission not only to help other survivors but to prevent other innocent children from becoming victims also. I am no longer a victim of childhood sexual abuse but I am an overcomer and today I choose to walk in victory! Be blessed and forever encouraged!

Marko Hamlin