Hidden Anger can mean Danger

I never claimed to be the toughest dude or as we say it around my way “the most thoroughest” if that makes any sense at all. Those who know me would tell you that I was a tall, slender goofy dude that always had people cracking up. I loved to make others laugh but deep down inside I was holding onto some deep emotional scars, I was holding onto some deep and dark secrets. Secrets that could potentially put my life and the lives of others in jeopardy. Because I was a victim of sexual, physical, and mental abuse at such an early age I had some serious trust issues. So I carried that baggage into adulthood, when I became a man, I vowed never to let anyone ever harm me again. I also never wanted to harm anyone else intentionally but to ensure that I protected myself, I began to carry a pistol, my first gun was a black P95 manufactured by Ruger. So here I am a young man enlisted in the Army, I was lost and deeply wounded, carrying a loaded weapon for protection. I was never afraid to use my hands to fight but because of the childhood trauma I endured, I promised never to let anyone put their hands on me ever again!

I can recall a few instances where I let anger get the best of me and because of God’s grace, I didn’t harm myself or anyone else. Anger can be vicious if not channeled properly. Many men don’t know how to deal with anger, that’s why many are locked up behind bars and our prison system is overcrowded. A bunch of angry men who acted out of frustration and landed themselves behind those prison walls. I can’t knock them at all because I have done some things that could have landed me in prison also. After I left the Army, I went to college in Hagerstown, Maryland to play basketball. While there I can remember a time when one of my teammates got into it with some of the locals at a community day event. I was just chilling around the house when I received a  call from my Point Guard, he was surrounded by a group of locals and needed some help. I remember grabbing my pistol and running full speed to his location, I know I looked like a mad man running through the streets with a loaded pistol in my hands ready to let bullets fly without asking any questions at all. Now please know that I’m not sharing this to glorify that lifestyle at all, I just want to give you an idea of how unresolved anger can destroy your life. At that moment all I was thinking about was saving the starting Point Guard on my basketball team but in all actuality it was much deeper than that, I wanted to be his protector because as a child no one was there to protect me.

There was another instance where I was playing in a men’s league with a few co-workers, we were beating this team pretty badly. The referees lost control of the game and our opponents began to take out their frustrations on a few of my teammates. They were fouling us pretty hard, I mean literally throwing ferocious elbows. I can remember getting so upset and screaming at the refs to end the game before someone got hurt. One of their players fouled my teammate so hard  and I came to his defense and pushed him off of him, once again the protector in me came out. As soon as that happened another one of their teammates stepped up and started running his mouth about what he was going to do to me, all I heard was “blah blah blah” and immediately anger began to rise up and I thought about my childhood experiences. I had flashbacks of being violated as a little boy and I wasn’t going to allow anyone to hurt me ever again, all I could think about was killing him so I began to break out into a full sprint to my truck to grab my pistol. I was about to to shoot this dude because I didn’t know how to control my emotions.

Sorry to do this to you but you have to purchase my memoir to get the rest of the story, I plan on releasing it in the Summer of 2017. Anger can be deadly, I thank God for how much I have grown over the years. I’m at a much better place today, instead of allowing my childhood to destroy me, I first had to go back and address those issues. I went back after three decades of silence, to began to heal that little boy inside of me. Many men don’t know how to be men because the little boy inside of them needs to be healed. I had to forgive those who wronged me and I was then able to move forward. God had to take me back to a hurtful and traumatic place so he could began a good work in me. I wish I could tell you that it was an easy process but I can assure you that it was worth it. I now use my past to help others heal and to move forward past childhood sexual trauma. I still have some issues stemming from my past but I don’t have to fight those issues alone because His strength (Christ) is made perfect in every one of my weaknesses.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s