Don’t Judge me without knowing the details!

I’m very careful while passing judgment towards others only because I never know what a person has gone or is currently going through. For many years I was able to put up a front and to everyone else, I looked as if I had it all together, but deep down inside I was broken. As I exited the Army in 2003, I was lost and trying to find my way. Not only was I battling depression, I was battling Post Traumatic Stress Disorder also. I battled mental illness silently, stemming from Childhood sexual trauma and a fatal car crash while I was in the military. I had been hit by a drunk driver and I witnessed the horrific death of two females who had been drinking while enjoying themselves on Thanksgiving night. As I write this blog, I can vividly see two lifeless bodies stretched out across a four lane highway and brains splattered on the concrete while I stood in silence and in shock because it could’ve been me! During this time, I lost the desire to live and I would self medicate by either becoming sexually involved with different women or turning to alcohol to mask my pain. Those were just temporary fixes, I still was empty trying to fill a void that couldn’t be filled by alcohol or lustful desires.

Over the next few years or so, my life was on a downward spiral and I would bounce from home to home, I even had to sleep on a friend’s couch for some time because I fell into a deep depression. I ended up moving in with two of my best friends and I was basically living for free, until I found two minimum wage jobs where I only made enough money to get me to and from work. I was giving my roommates around two hundred dollars a month and I felt horrible because here I was a military Veteran that had to depend on others for support! It really bothered me to have to depend on others and to feel as if I was a burden to them. There were many nights where I didn’t have enough courage to even come out of my room. My boys would go out to the clubs but I rather sit in the dark room and cry myself to sleep! The very few times I did go with them I would drink uncontrollably and they would end up babysitting me the whole night. One night while at a club in D. C. I got so drunk, I spit on a bouncer and dared him to say something to me afterwards. My wreckless behavior embarrassed my friends and they didn’t want to be bothered with me. Little did they know I was hurting and just didn’t know how to move forward from my past hurts.

Depression is real and as I continue to bring awareness to the seriousness of mental illness and childhood sexual abuse, I want you all to be mindful of how you treat other individuals. You never know what a person is dealing with. A simple smile or even a kind word can be the difference of life and death to someone who may be struggling. Please feel free to share this blog with someone, we never know who it may encourage. Until next time be forever encouraged and if you are battling, please know that you are not alone!

Brother Marko

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(Marko Hamlin Fort Bragg 2003)

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